She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
This girl is more easily done than said...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
