Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
