That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
