Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
