I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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