The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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