Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
