you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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