i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
