I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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