I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
