No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
