Apparently you make a good broom.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
