I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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