ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
