At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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