just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
