but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
