i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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