What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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