Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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