the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize