I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
