Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
