why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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