Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
