When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
