I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
