I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
