So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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