I'm eating all of the evidence.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
