Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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