did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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