I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
