Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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