Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
