She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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