Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
