I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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