i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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