just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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