I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
