I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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