I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I didn't notice because vodka
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
