im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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