We named our party play list daddy issues
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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