And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize