He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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