I wish I could teleport
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
