I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
