We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
