He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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