We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
