We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize