I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
