Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
