My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
