he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
